Lately I feel like I have been going a bit stir-crazy.

I need to get out.
I need to travel.
I need to revamp my style.
I need to express myself.
I need to be original.

So much of who we are comes from our experiences, the things we've liked and loved in those experiences, and the things we haven't. 2010 hit and I feel like (we all are) on the cusp of something new and fresh. Old lives will be left behind, and we will all enter a new chapter of life in some way (and in a much more intense way than usual). People are going to be starting fresh from somewhere.

I am so excited for what is going to be.

For now though, I'll just focus on the things in my immediate control. Time for a life makeover! And a style makeover - yes yes, I know that I have been wanting to clean out my closet foreveeeerr now, but I just can't seem to give away and get rid of my clothes. So many times I think "I'll still wear this!" know how it goes, ladies.

But part of growing is moving on, and unfortunately old clothes carry a lot of baggage. As soon as Spring rolls around, I'll suck it up and feng shui the hell outta my room. Seriously.


But for now I'll just keep the creative juices flowing. ~

  • Current Mood
    restless restless
princess run

✿ Improvement Begins With "I" ✿

Oh 2009, you were a heavy, heavy year.

Last year I went to a psychic that I had encountered several years ago for a second reading, since she had been incredibly accurate in predicting my past, present and future life once before. When I went to her again, not only was she bang-on once again with different, fresh information...but she told me something that I will never forget.

She informed me that I would be having a very tough year - something I had a sense of already at the time, simply from the events taking place in my life. She knew of the difficulties I would face, but she said to me  that it was important that I didn't lose my light - my confidence and the belief in who I am. She told me that I have a powerful and glowing energy, and that I need to have faith in myself and keep being myself...and things will all work out, fall into place, and great things will start coming to me.

Chhyeahh, I thought. Wouldn't that be lovely.

I'm sitting here now, reflecting on all that I have fought through, suffered through, learned from and evolved from. I truly was the most stressed and at times - depressed - than I can remember ever being for such a long extended period of time. I always held on, and kept in mind that the calm comes after the storm. Going through difficult times shapes us, strengthens us, and truly let's us appreciate the happiness that is blessed upon our lives.

And now I couldn't be happier.

There is a shift occurring in the human consciousness. You can just feel it. The human mind is taking back it's power, and after surviving this year and coming out a shining diamond i have absolute faith in my own power over my life. I can already feel the positive shift this year has taken, and I couldn't be more excited for what's to come.

This year is a time to change up my creative style. Refresh my sewing skills, perhaps with a course. Continue with my physical healing by continuing to go to the chiropractor. Master more of my spiritual healing and psychic ability, perhaps with a course or some independent study . Signs are leading me towards the runes and the tarot, so I would also love to become more familiar and educated regarding that art. And as always, give myself and all of my love to my friends and loved ones. You are my family and my purpose for being in this life.

Here's to you, 2010 - I am ready, I am accepting, I am faithful, I am blessed - I am powerful.

Kiss. <3
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    grateful grateful

~ The Many Faces of Courtney

Yes yes, I am a total cam whore. I'll admit to it and own it *wink*. I don't know what it is, but I just love to take pictures, play, dress up, re-invent myself and express different parts of myself all the time. There is so much creativity in this Courtney.

Sooooo I decided I'd post a bunch of webcam pics that I've taken recently that express just a few different "Faces of Courtney". A few are edited for fun - enjoy!

Kiss kiss.
Courtney <3
  • Current Music
    ~Church bells from outside~


While I was busy Twittering away tonight, I stopped and thought about the incredible shift our world has gone through with the creation of the internet. It wasn't too long ago when I remember that no such thing existed (haaa, remember it was the time when cell phones were big, clunky obnoxious things that only "really important wealthy people" had? And now 8 year olds have them? Yeah.) and I was absolutely amazed at how it has effected us.

I think we take all of this information - this communication - for granted. I was on my Twitter and smiled when I saw little Tweets of positivity, inspiration, support and humour pop out at me. It's such a wonderful age we're in right now with the ability to communicate, share information and document *everything*!

But it made me wonder (as I always do) why we feel this sudden overwhelming need to communicate - connect - document - so much of our lives? What I came up with, and you can of course agree or disagree, is that the human race has gone through so many years of oppression, of having to fit in a certain way, believe certain things...basically we have been kept in a social cage, so to speak. Our spirits and our identities have been muffled by oppression, stress, negativity and disbelief.

Now, as the world is shifting and changing and moving into a new vibration, people are becoming obsessed with self expression and communicating to others who they are.

THIS IS ME! This is what I believe, what I think, what I do!

All I can say is that I believe this is a wonderful thing, as long as we continue to be grateful, learn from it, become inspired by it and don't get lost in a false reality. Remember that life is still waiting for you outside of this magnificent influence and source. We should remember to use it as a guide or as a tool.

This communication is a reflection of our own spiritual evolution and our desire and need to connect with each other and learn who we are ourselves. Remember to always observe, absorb, believe, and act accordingly.

Love and Blessings.
Courtney <3
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful

On Fake-Watch.

Oh, boy. Here she goes.

Well. Despite what some of you may think, this isn't a post soaked in malicious, petty bitchiness. But it is about those things. What? One of my favourite topics to discuss if you haven't already noticed. I figure that these things are better expressed rather than kept bottled up. And more often than not, girls (and men) end up agreeing with these thoughts anyway. So let's go ;)

So, I've been in the BBW industry professionally and socially for several years now. The professional aspect has never been a problem for me - but the social aspect always has. I've spent years trying to be a peaceful part of it, but the truth is that it's never going to be a fully peaceful place. Here's why.

a) The vast majority of the women coming into the community, model or not, comes in and immediately sees these girls flaunting their bodies, getting attention, and thinks "If they can do this, I can too." They then get immediately sucked in and addicted. That's right, addicted. The attention and feelings of want, desire, lust - these are all feelings most of these girls haven't experienced and crave. They crave nothing more than to be the pretty, popular girl who makes the boys swoon. And once they find the community, they get a taste.

b) These girls then base their self esteem/value/worth on this attention they get from the community, so once it starts to plateau or fade a little, they become distressed. They need that fix. And what happens is that they see other women getting the exact same love and attention from the men that are supposed to be giving it to them. Oh, that fucking slut. Oh that fucking bitch. Since we are a smaller community, people sometimes get "recycled" (although I hate that term) and people will start to talk about other people. Jealousy ensues, and now you are clawing and digging for any piece of information about these girls who are "competition" so that you can feel less threatened, less insecure, and get that high back for yourself.

c) The BBWs and the FAs get greedy. With everyone so willing to fuck this person, give away that picture, gain here, visit becomes this social stew of people and information that's a big load of BS. When you think about it, do any of these people really have anything to do with each other? Do these people really effect your lives in a real way? Or do you let them by inviting it in? You may even be doing it subconsciously.

d) People don't take responsibility for their own actions. So often I see people doing things they don't want "others to know about" - others meaning, the public community. Girl A will tell Girl B about a boy she had sex with to brag. But don't tell anyone! Girl B then tells Girl C, and so on and so on. But shhh! Keep it on the dl! Then Girl A finds out people know, and immediately blames Girl B for this mess. Two things here: if your "friend" is going around telling people personal secrets, she's not your friend. And did we ever stop and think that if you don't want a certain reputation, or don't want someone knowing your business...don't do it? I would never do anything I wouldn't own up to or was ashamed of. Anything that I do that "get's out" is my own responsibility, not anyone else's. It's a community just looking for a scapegoat.

(And I play that scapegoat a lot, which I suppose I understand but it's really unfair a lot of the time. Girls enjoy bullying me and trying to bring me down because I hold myself up high a lot of the time - but I think everyone should? I want that for all these girls, for these women (and the men, too!) and I don't believe that having self love is a bad thing. It is a desired, coveted thing and I think perhaps that is why I get the slack that I do.)

e) People know that they are constantly being judged and watched...that people are always looking for things they can twist and turn into their own benefit. So whenever there is "dirt" on someone else, they jump on it like hotcakes. At least while this drama-focus is on her, it'll be off me! You know what the big trick is? Being fake. Honestly. There's such a fear of being "talked about" and having these girls jump onto the "we hate you, Bitch!" wagon that now girls are doing the "be extra sweet and nice to everyone and bitch behind their backs" dance. A lot fo times, girls will do the double-dealing move, where they will appear to befriend you only to get information to bring back to their friends who hate you (for whatever reason).

I hate this shit, ladies. I'm so done. Cut it the fuck out.

It's alright not to agree with someone. We are all working on different vibrations, we have all had different life experiences, are of different levels of intelligence - everything. There's no way that everyone is going to get along and like everyone. But we so all have very similar struggles in common (with weight regarding society and family life, etc) and we also seem to all go through the same shit in this damn community. So when can we start doing something about it?

I don't know how many times I have extended my hand for genuine friendship to these girls. I'm not even looking for best-bitches4ever kind of thing, but hey we can be chills can't we? Man I've been bitten in the ass so many times. Most of these girls just *can't* believe that I'm genuine, because they are all too busy being fake and dealing with this constant fakeness to believe it.

Whoa hey...don't be nice and genuine with me...I wouldn't know how to handle that?!

I have just recently gotten rid of some catalyst ties to some negativity coming into my life from community members. I did it for everyone, so that there isn't that door, that window to look into and see what's going on, what can I dig up now? I sincerely, if I don't agree or particularly care for someone, wish them the best and happiness down their own path, and don't see why we can't both live peacefully doing our own thing, and not worrying about each other.


I have gone from dark to light with a few girls in this community though, and I can't express how awesome that feels. I am blessed to have such beautiful, funny and intelligent women in my social scene and will always support them and have patience and understanding for them. I am so grateful to have evolved past negative feelings, and I so much love that we can hold each other up instead of struggle.

I love and accept that all people have differences, but I cannot accept you when you're being fake and I can't actually see who you are. I'm an incredibly spiritual person and I have a lot of love to give to women, especially women I can relate to.

Hate me - go on 'till it makes you sore. Just know that it's never going to give you more. You'll still be lying on the floor, karma and insecurity keeping you poor. And I'll be the one they all love and adore. Let it go, it's not a chore - finally let some love into your core.

Courtney <3
  • Current Music
    Junior Boys - Parellel Lines

Birthday Girl.

Another year gone by, girlie.

Everyone sees birthdays differently. For some, it's a time to dress up, gather up all of your friends, get crunked off your asses and party so hard you can't remember it the next day. For others, it's a time to avoid, deny and resent that another year has gone by and you reach closer to the end of your youth/life.

That's all fine and dandy.

For me, however, my birthday is a spiritual landmark. It's a time that marks the passing of another year, of personal growth, wisdom, and the life that I have achieved. Every year we're faced with opportunities, decisions, problems, stress and strain. I always like to think back on the year, and give credit to myself for all of the things that I have survived and achieved.

I have survived both my grandparents who raised me being moved into a nursing home with failing minds and health. The only house and home I ever knew growing up being sold. My other grandmother passing away, her being the first person I have loved to do so. Continuous family drama.. The stress and strain of a long-distance relationship. An extremely stressful and prolonged  financial situation, having to take care of myself and several others. The growing apart and seperation of "friends". False judgments. Hurtful words and actions.

I have achieved
strength from my emotional and physical battles, both in my character, emotionally and mentally. Closure where I needed it. Further independence. Heightened confidence to add to the ever-growing. A stronger and deeper bond with myself and with my friends. The ability to keep my class, integrity and honesty in my work and home-life, even in difficult situations. Increased success. A larger family and source of love and support. Spiritual enlightenment and awareness. Luxury. Pleasure. Pride. Generosity. Understanding. Patience. A closer connection with the universe, and with life's pleasures and purpose. Happiness.

 Happy Birthday, Courtney. You have struggled your entire life, and through every struggle presented in your way, you stay strong, you take responsibility, you believe in yourself, and you get through it. And not only do you get through it, but you come out shining. It is always important to love yourself - love what you have survived, what you have struggled for, and what you have achieved. I stand back and look at the woman you are today compared to last year, and I see a woman who has grown in strength, love, independence, success and beauty in every way. I am so, so proud of you. It truly is a Happy  Birthday, to you.

  ~ Love. Live. Flourish. ~

Courtney <3
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    thoughtful thoughtful

(no subject)

I am so glad that my loved ones and myself live in reality. So, SO glad.
And this is why no one bothers to speak out. It really is pointless, they are all lost causes.
princess run

Critiques by Anonymous.

Tonight I had the pleasure of visiting a website that I rarely (if ever) visit. It's a forum where people can post under a username or anonymously, and it's usually a whole lotta trash-talk. Anyway, I was lucky enough to be a topic recently (I know, I know, I'm so surprised!) and am now absorbing my critiques, growing, and becoming better for it. Let's round up some of the comments I've read or heard about me, shall we? ;)

- her website isn't worth the money (booo!)
- lop-sided tits (oh my!)
- booooooring, zzzzz!
- tanned leather
- small tits, "hobbit feet" and cankles


The last comment was said under her username "Choco" but was then later deleted it and re-posted anonymously. I have since spoken with the lovely Choco, and we have smoothed over any miscommunication or misunderstanding and (with the power of patience and understanding each other) things have been mended and all is well in the world again.

But that's okay. In response to these comments (and won't this inspire me to get a pedicure now! ;D) I wish you continued success and appreciation for what you do, and for putting yourself out there - whoever you may be.

So I guess that about takes care of the critiques for now.

Next, please. :)
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    tired tired